16 November 2009 ~ 1 Comment

#1) Virginity Shredded. Heart Also Shredded.

#1) Virginity Shredded. Heart Also Shredded.

This is the final post in a three-part story.  Here are the first and second articles, if you missed them.  Also, if you’re wondering why the title has a #1 in it, that’s because this is the first girl I had sex with.  I’ll follow this format in future posts.

Now everything seemed to be going along swimmingly.  I finally had a serious hookup with this chick that I’d been chasing after for a couple months by now, and fantasizing about  for most of my teenage years.  I really liked this girl a hell of a lot, and all was basically going according to plan.  But some there are some things you should know.

  1. This girl still technically might have a boyfriend, but I dared not ask about him.  I just went under the assumption that if we were spending so much time together and being so passionate, that he would just sort of, um, disappear.  And that didn’t seem too preposterous, because to my knowledge, the way she had started dating this guy was by cheating with him on her prior boyfriend, another friend of ours.  So, I thought, maybe this could work out.
  2. This girl turned out to be fairly interested in cocaine.  I did not like it because at that age, all I really knew about drugs like cocaine were “drugs = bad.”  Now, at this point in my life I still have never done coke, but I would probably not be quite so concerned about a 21-year-old friend experimenting with a little cocaine from time to time.  Hell, it’s their life.  But back then, this coke thing concerned me quite a bit.  I was frightened that she would get addicted, and it was a growing concern of mine.  She said that she had only done it a few times, but I had my suspicions.
  3. We still were not telling anybody about this.  Not our friends, not my mom, nobody.  I told a couple of my friends at school who were unrelated though because I thought it was sweet that I was hooking up with an older girl.  And they were duly impressed.  But my mom was growing more and more suspicious of me taking the train into the city so often, and I was getting more and more frustrated with her prying.

So I’m somewhere right around my 17th birthday, and I’m now taking the train into the city every other weekend to hang out with this love of my life.  I’d go to college parties with her and drink wine and beer and Jameson and we started having regular sex.  I’m pretty certain that I lost my virginity in the back of her (and I’m guessing as to the year here) 1990 Toyota Corolla while I was hammered.  Considering that I don’t really remember the exact event, I’m pretty certain that I was.  Because that’s the kind of thing most people remember.  But I don’t regret it, because I was having fun and I liked her quite a whole lot.

We had really dirty sex.  She had a kinky mind, and so did I. We’d push each others’ boundaries, and we’d say really dirty shit to each other.  Sometimes we would have phone sex, one time I remember fingering her while she was driving down the garden state parkway, and another time I even fucked her in the ass.

Banging her in the ass was awesome.  I enjoyed the feeling of power that came along with it.  They have to trust you, because if you do it too hard or too fast, you can really hurt them.  And aside from that, it’s extremely taboo.  As you will see, this begins a trend that continues in my later sexual conquests.

So anyway, we’re doing this stuff every other weekend and sneaking around and lying to everyone and it’s going quite swimmingly, until I started to get some strange signs from her.  For one thing, she wasn’t coming online as often to chat like she used to.  And then when I’d come up to visit, she might not be around the entire time or she would leave me hanging out with our other friends who lived in her apartment while she was off doing random stuff.  And we just didn’t have quite as much to talk about as we used to.

I guess you could say that the initial phase of rapid, lustful interest was slowing down after we’d been sort of  seeing each other for a number of months and we were hitting that point where a relationship might grow a little more mundane.  Or something, I don’t really know how it works to be honest.  I don’t have hardly any experience with long-term relationships.  This is just what I’ve heard.

But essentially, I think she just got a little bit bored of me.  She was a conqueror, after all, just like me.  And when things slow down, a conqueror moves on to the next thing.  I was not wanting to move on, in fact I was perfectly content and absolutely in love.  But I could tell that her interest was waning, which broke my heart.

And then one day I came back to her place and I saw some used condoms in her trash, and… I know, I know. I’m devoting myself to pure honesty here… I started bawling.  Like a fucking post-menopausal woman, I started crying and told her that I could tell she didn’t like me like she used to and now I knew she was fucking other people and my life was essentially over.

And she held my head in her boobs and said things like “Oh, jesus” and “Look, those are condoms we used the last time you were here.  [Her boyfriend] and I don’t even use condoms.”  Which may very well have been true, I have no idea.  But either way, I was a fucking hysterical mess and the relationship was basically doomed at that point.

Then I found out that she did coke again the following week, and I got extremely upset with her.  And I decided that it was time to make things official so that she didn’t have to.  I wanted to save my last shred of dignity.

I drafted an email to her explaining my feelings, and telling her that I still loved her, but that I had to end it because I didn’t think it could work any more, and I was scared that she was with other people, and I couldn’t take that anymore.  And also that I was scared about her cocaine abuse.  I took my time with this letter, and as I was writing it I was crying.

And as I was finishing the email, my mom walked into my room while I was all red in the face, and she saw the word “love” on the screen, and she started going insane and screaming at me about how she was scared of what I was doing when I was taking the train to NYC every other week, and how she knew that I was dating this girl, and that she didn’t like it because she was so much older than me.

And finally, once I had screamed her out of my room, I was now pissed off because my mother of all people had just interrupted the drafting of my farewell letter.  I didn’t want my mom to know anything about my emotions, particularly this in my weakest of moments.  I was so fucking pissed off.

I finished the email and I sent it off.  And I was left with this horribly horrid horrible feeling that I was 17 years old and hated everything about my life.  The one girl who I focused all my positive emotions into had just been cut out, and I deeply resented my mom, and I didn’t have that many close friends at school at that point… and I hated everything.  Everything.  College was over a year away, and I didn’t know how I was going to manage living in this hellish parented and high-schooled existence for another year and a half.  I was shredded into pieces, hopeless. And I cried some more.

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One Response to “#1) Virginity Shredded. Heart Also Shredded.”

  1. May 24 February 2010 at 2:08 pm Permalink

    So much drama. Thanks for the honesty.

    Hope you find love someday.

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