About Me and This Site

I was born around 1986 and grew up near New York City.

My father died when I was very young, and I was mostly raised by a single mother.  My mother encouraged me to focus on school when I was young, and so I ended up being the smart kid in my classes ever since starting school.  I have great genetics, so I am pretty good-looking and probably could have been a fantastic athlete like my father was if I had gotten any training.  But instead I became smart, which I don’t regret.  However, by not learning to be dominant in sports or having a father figure around, I feel that I missed out on a crucial part of childhood – the part where you learn how to do stupid stuff with other boys your age and get good at flirting with girls.

I was never that popular with girls in grade school, and it really pained me because it just didn’t make any sense.  The cutest girls in class just never flirted with me.  They barely paid attention to me, and instead they flirted with the other guys in class.  This drove me nuts.  All I wanted was to be popular, but sometimes I would get picked on or at the very least ignored.  I didn’t develop the self-confidence that I should have. It ate me up inside.  It’s not that I was unpopular.  I hung out with the cool guys and played sports in middle school, but I was always kind of just “there.”  I wasn’t the star of the show, and I didn’t believe in myself.  It was awful, and I didn’t feel like I really belonged.

After middle-school, I went to a small, special high school for talented students.  This didn’t help my social circle, because there were only a few kids at my school who were confident or good with girls.  I had nobody to learn from.  I was surrounded by a lot of dorks.  I knew there had to be a reason why some guys were better with girls than other guys, but I just couldn’t pin it down.  I had a crush on a girl who I sat at lunch with pretty much every single day for 4 years of high school.  I thought about her every day.  She didn’t think much of me, and I could never gather the courage to make a move.  I just wasn’t cool enough.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  There were a couple girls who liked me, I knew, but I didn’t have the balls to make a move with them for fear of getting rejected.  Also, deep inside I knew that I was better than just settling for a girl I wasn’t interested in.  I wanted to get the girl who I was REALLY attracted to, and that just wasn’t happening.  I was torn up inside.

In senior year of high school, I started going out with one of the most attractive freshmen girls in my school.  I was in love.  Yes, she was 3 years younger than me and it was sketchy as hell.  But I was fucking infatuated with the idea of finally having a real girlfriend, and so I kept going out with her even after I went to college.  I made her multiple mix tapes.  That’s right.  Mix fucking Tapes. I spent my first semester of college mostly sitting around my dorm room either playing computer games (Counter-Strike) or talking to her on the phone.  Most kids say freshman year was their craziest, but mine was actually quite tame.  Until she broke up with me on the weekend after Valentine’s Day.

And I fucking cried.  I cried, and cried.  It was awful.  It was the worst experience of my life.  I knew things weren’t going all that well, but all I wanted was to hang on to her forever.  And then I lost her.  And worse yet, I’d barely spent any time making friends around my dorm because all I really cared about up until then was her.  How would I ever find another girl who was as perfect as her?  I was completely fucked.

After a few days, shit maybe weeks, I went online to a website I’d heard about a while before, but hadn’t thought I would ever need.  http://www.fastseduction.com.  I needed help with girls, bad.  And these guys had the answer.  They seemed like they knew what they were talking about.  I was a freshman in college, and I was determined to learn the formula to attracting girls.  I read, and read, and read, and read… forever.  Literally thousands and thousands of pages of this stuff.  Message boards and archives of successful seducers, pdf’s I stole from torrent sites, mp3′s from these so-called “gurus” who knew the secret to getting into a girl’s pants.  The secret to getting girls to love you.

It hurt so bad, man.  My chest was fucking heaving as I pored over that website.  Every day I thought about my ex-girlfriend.  For a ridiculous amount of time afterward.  Months turned into years, and I turned myself into a stone-cold seducer.

Well, sort of.  I got laid a good amount.  But I could never seem to plug that empty fucking shotgun blast in my chest.

This is the story of how I plugged that shotgun blast.  One woman at a time.