23 October 2010 ~ 0 Comments

I Feel Like Complete Shit

I Feel Like Complete Shit

Oh god.  I feel like I murdered the only person in the world that I truly love.  I can’t stop crying.  I’m sitting on my bed with tears in my eyes and my chest is sunken, and I just did this all to myself.  I can’t believe I did this to myself.

I met my girlfriend on an internet dating site in early December 2009.  Over the next few months I chased her and won her over.. it took a while, ages in terms of the amount of effort I usually put in, but we finally started having sex February 3rd.  She didn’t even like me at first but I pursued because she was hot and I enjoyed talking to a girl for a change, so I figured why not.  Even though it took I believe 8 dates.  And she seemed to be completely nuts in a lot of ways – she was married, for one thing, to a guy in the military solely for the extra money he gets for being married. Pure business transaction. Second, she was still living in the same apartment as her ex boyfriend, but was planning to move out relatively soon.  She was also a completely reformed coke whore who turned herself into a straight A student in biology.

Whatever, I said, girls are nuts but still she seems cool and she’s very hot.  I talked to this girl for hours on the phone, actually started to like her more than the average ho.  Once we started banging I got more attached to her, started hanging out a few times a week and introducing her to my friends and all that shit. We did this casual thing for a few months.

I was still honest about the fact that I was banging other women at the time, of course.  She intensely disliked this and gradually by around April she began to flip out on me and demand that I be monogamous with her or else she wanted to leave me.  I was completely against this – I found multiple clever ways to extend my freedom while still being honest with her about the fact that I would occasionally bang other women.

I am not the type who likes to lie to people, cheating is not my favorite thing to do – it makes me feel very guilty – so I try to be completely honest whenever I can.

Well, needless to say I got very attached to her over these months, she even somehow got pregnant around April despite the fact that we ALWAYS used condoms religiously.  I still question to some degree whether it was mine because of this, but who knows.  Either way we agreed to have an abortion.  Needless to say this was a very stressful time for us, especially her because she’s a mexican catholic.. however she is extremely goal-oriented and wants to be a doctor, so having a baby at 21 was not exactly part of the plan. Either way, even after going through that we stayed together.

As a result of this, she decided to start taking a birth control pill and for the first time in my life, I agreed to have regular unprotected sex with a person.  I had had it a few times in the past, usually when very drunk, but that was mostly in my early years of college and at some point I realized how retarded and dangerous that was so I became insanely serious about using condoms with everyone, which was a great decision.  But needless to say, not using condoms with her only increased our attraction for each other.

By summertime she was preparing to leave me due to the fact that I still refused to be monogamous with her, and she couldn’t seem to process that a man would care for a woman and still not want to be exclusive with her.  So she began looking for other guys to replace me, despite the fact that she was fairly in love with me and the sex was great and all that.

Well, I found out about this and basically folded.  I said ok, fine.  I love you enough that I’m willing to give up the other girls in order to be with you.  At the time, I didn’t fully 100% intend to be faithful, I just couldn’t really stand to lose her so I had to say something to keep her around.  However the guilt of cheating rapidly slowed down the amount of other women I was picking up, to the point where I only really cheated on her a couple times, mostly when I was in Vegas or on other vacations.

So we started going out officially on June 10th, 2010 and we’ve been a serious couple since then.  Being in a serious relationship has been a very eye-opening experience for me, since I haven’t been in one since 2005.  I fell completely in love with her, got used to the routine of seeing her a few times a week and talking to her on the phone every single day, calling her every night before I’d go to sleep, going on dinner dates with her and having wine nights together.

All the while my two roommates who are also pickup artist types have been going out hard, hitting on women every night and getting laid a pretty regular amount as well.  I honestly do miss the hunt when I see them bring women home, despite the fact that I lost most of my drive to bang new women with my increasing attachment to my girlfriend.

Going out to bars became much less interesting for me when I didn’t intend to bring any women home.  This is not much of a surprise, but still.  It’s weird because the last 5 years of my life have been so focused on going out at night and trying to bring women home.  It seems completely batshit that I wouldn’t want to do this any more.

Further I found myself much less attracted to other women in general.  Bringing home nasty club hos who are generally like 7s at best lost its appeal.

Plus my girlfriend would do things for me constantly. I don’t even have a car so she was driving to my place every single time, picking me up and we would go somewhere or just hang out at my apartment which was always nice.

Yes, we got in fights fairly regularly but she was always the type to apologize no matter what afterwards and take the blame and I would tell her how much I loved her and everything would just solve itself.  In fact, I think I could easily be with her forever in a lot of ways – we always found a way to get through any problems that we had.

So, what happened right?  Sounds perfect..

My issue is that I’m 24 and I don’t see myself as one of those ‘relationship guys’ and I feel like I’m just pussyfooting around taking the easy road.  Yes I’m very happy with her and love her immensely but I still question whether I’m giving up on the game too early.  There are millions of women out there who are smoking hot and fascinating and awesome, and I know I can get a ton of them.  And the older and more attractive I become the more experiences I’ll be able to have and the more ridiculous shit I’ll be able to do.

I don’t want to be one of those guys who got married in his 20′s… that’s just nothing I’ve ever planned on doing, I have a whole life ahead of me and I’m not old enough to be in some relationship where I settle down and never look at another woman again… I’m a player of epic proportions, and I could become even so much better.

Look at George Clooney or Derek Jeter, or the other most eligible bachelors in the world.  They’re onto something man.. they have the ability to choose, and they keep that choice available to themselves.

So what is a guy to do?  Every time I go out I think that maybe I should break up with her, but every time I try to break up with her it fucking chokes me up to think about never seeing her again, letting her down, making her upset.  She is a beautiful goddamned flower and it’s just not right that I could ever hurt this girl.

I just wish I never got myself into this mess, because now I broke her goddamned heart today when I broke up with her.  I just told her straight up that I’m a complete asshole, and that I’m not meant to be in a relationship.

But now I’m sitting here alone fucking crying my eyes out with no real interest in going out to the bars… and she’s sending me texts telling me how she’s doing the same.

Fuck this, man.

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