Secret Dating Book

It was the summer after my first year in college.  I was hanging out with m best friend and we got the idea to call up these two chicks we went to high school with that we thought we might be able to hook up with.  One was a redhead with a little extra on her, and the other was an asian girl that I had always had a thing with, but never really capitalized on.  I actually brought her to junior prom but nothing ever came of it.  However, since then she’d really filled out and her body was extra tight.  She was definitely a worthy target.

So it turns out that they were both staying at the redhead’s place that night because her parents were away.  Perfect!  We brought over some wine and the four of us started drinking and watching tv and just hanging out.

Well, my buddy ended up drinking so much wine that he passed out.  Also, the asian girl went into a bedroom and it seemed like she was going to sleep too.

It was me and the redhead left awake, and I started getting a little physical with her on the couch… we started making out, then went to her room.  Sweet.  However, she wouldn’t let me get into her pants, and when I tried to get her to blow me she said that she has some weird condition where her jaw won’t expand.. like lockjaw or something.  I was like, what the fuck you’re clearly lying.  But she stuck to the story, so… whatever.

I sucked on her giant tits for a while and kept trying to get into her pants, to no avail.  Dammit.

I decided to go to the bathroom.

On my way there, I passed the asian girl’s room and decided to see if she was awake.  I walked in.

“Hey.  You awake?”

“Hi.  Sort of.  What’s up?”

“Umm.. nothing.  Just kinda bored.  I’m still up drinking.  Drink more!”

I sat down on her bed and put my arm around her while handing her my glass of wine.  She took a sip.  I looked at her and went in to kiss her.  She kissed me back.

We started hooking up pretty seriously.  I took her shirt off and sucked on her tiny asian nipples.  I grabbed her firm asian ass.

She was putting up no resistance.

I started fingering her.  I took her pants off.  I fingered her more and made out with her.  I sucked on her titties more. I put a condom on.  We had sex.

We talked afterwards while holding each other.  I actually kind of liked this girl.  I’d known her for a long time and we’d always flirted back and forth.  And finally, almost 6 years after we first met, we fucked each other.

I was hoping that we could turn it into a regular thing.  That would be pretty awesome.  She was hot.. even though she went to school a few states away, and school was starting up again pretty soon.

We fell asleep.

In the morning, I could see the two girls talking to each other.  I knew what they were discovering.

They weren’t really in the mood to talk after that.  My friend and I left.

The next semester I found out that she had transferred to an extremely strict christian college where religion was a major part of the curriculum.  The kind of school where kids don’t drink or do drugs, they just sit around talking about God all the time.  Later that year, I checked her facebook and she was dating this 90-pound balding kid who wrote lovey-dovey messages on her facebook wall every day.

Two years later, after graduating college, I checked her facebook wall again.  She had just married the dude and now she had all these pictures of herself with these SMOKING HOT women around her.  What the hell was that about?

After some further research, I found out that she’s now a cheerleader for an NFL football team.

So… boo-ya.  I fucked an NFL cheerleader.

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Now that I’d been studying seduction for a short while, and since I was completely alone, I was definitely on the lookout to meet and pick up some new girls.

Now, my best friend from high school (we’ll call him Dex) was living on a nearby campus and having a lot of fun party times.  So I decided to start hanging out with him more and getting out there and meeting people.  He was a real natural with girls, so it could work well that we were both now single.

One night we ended up going to a concert with a girl who lived in his dorm, and her friend.  He was making his moves on the friend, and I had my eye on the girl who lived in his dorm, though she was slightly less attractive than his girl.  She was like a 6.5 out of 10, but I thought she had nice eyes.  Whatever.

So I talked to this girl a little at the concert and she seemed to be into me, but I wasn’t sure.  I was very nervous and never wanted to make the move myself, even though my pickup artist gurus all wrote about the importance of leading and making the moves.

So nothing happened the night that I met her, but I had her in mind and I knew she lived on the same floor as my buddy Dex, so I’d probably run into her again.

The next week, I went to visit him at his dorm to drink with some of his friends, and indeed she was there.  I was really awkward, but kept catching her eye and talked with her a little bit.

I was nervous.  I kept taking opportunities to talk with her about whatever I could think of, and we were both drinking so that definitely helped things along.

I ended up hanging out in her dorm room still trying to make conversation.  I was not very good at making random conversation back then, in fact I remember it feeling very awkward with lots of pauses.

The whole time I was thinking about opportunities I could take to try to make a move on her, but I just didn’t know how to do it.  I saw this weird coiled metal thing sitting there, so I asked what it was.

“It’s a head massager” She replied.

“Really?  How does it work?”

“Here, I’ll show you!”

She put this weird thing on my head, and it was awesome!  It scratched me in the most delightful way.  I wanted one.

“Wow that’s seriously amazing.  Let me try it on you.”

So I put the thing on her head and she made delighted sounds, and I thought, SHIT I need to make a move right now.  This is the time, we’re doing something kind of sensual.  I must man up and do this right now.

And with that, I went to make out with her.  And to my delight, she was all about it.

We started furiously making out and groping each other.  I turned off the lights, we got under the covers, and after a few minutes of further groping, I asked her if she had a condom.  She got one, and we banged.  Third girl I banged ever! Woo!

Afterwards, I was no longer so interested in hanging out with her.  She did not seem nearly so attractive afterwards.  Hmm, interesting.  This is the first girl I banged who I wasn’t in love with when I did it.

I felt good though, like I’d just conquered something.  I felt like more of a man.  I wanted more of this… probably not with this girl, but with lots of others.  And I would get what I wanted.

I put my clothes on, and went down the hall to the bathroom.  I washed my hands and stuff, and then went back to hanging out with my friends.

I never really talked to that girl again.  I felt really awkward whenever I would see her around and I’d divert my eyes.  Every so often I’d see her on the college buses or something for the next 3 years, but never said a word.  She put on a couple pounds in the coming years.  Oh well.

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So after my dearest love broke up with me, I was in shambles.

I realized that I was attending a state school that was just filled with hot women, and I didn’t know any of them.  I was shy, and I knew I wasn’t anywhere near to achieving my potential.  What was it that made those other college guys so much better with girls than I was?  What separated them from me?  I was good-looking and in ridiculously good shape  from a rigorous weightlifting regimen.  I was extremely smart, I was easy to get along with… to be honest, I had no idea why I wasn’t getting tons of opportunities to hook up with girls.

This was college… where was the ridiculous college lifestyle everybody promised?

I’d already spent a semester and a half without banging ANY college girls.  Not a single one, and not really any prospects either.  This had to change.

If I was going to be single in college, I was going to have to do it right.  Fuck this crying to myself bullshit.  I had to find the answer.

That’s when I remembered a site that a friend of mine had shown me months before, back when I was happily in a relationship and thought I had no need for it.  A site where guys discussed their methods for attracting women.  Guys were systematically designing methods to get chicks.  It was exactly what I needed.

I went to that site and started poring over the materials and the forums there.  Openers, routines, hypnosis patterns and acronyms galore.  Yes, this was just about the nerdiest way to start picking up chicks, but to a systematic and logical guy like myself, this was something that was really speaking my language.

My goal was to learn EVERYTHING.  I wanted to memorize the patterns and break it down to a perfect science.  I was very good at learning things… this should be easy.

There were thousands of pages of forum posts, and most of it was relatively unorganized.  Some guys had their own methods, and I read through these extensively.  Then I’d move onto the next guy’s method, and so on.  I memorized all the acronyms, I downloaded ebooks off of torrent sites, I started posting on these forums every day trying to get my shit together.  I started to see what they were talking about in the real world every day, and analyzing my surroundings.

I couldn’t get pickup out of my head.  I was literally obsessed.  It was all I thought about, all I wanted to talk about.  Eventually I got one of my friends from high school into it, and we read and tried out some of the stuff together.

For the most part, I was too shy around girls to actually try the stuff in real life, which greatly slowed down my learning curve.  But I was constantly reading, and I was constantly going out to college parties now.  Every party I could possibly attend, I went.  I just had to get out of my room and out meeting people.

I started making connections at the frat houses and hanging out at some of my friends’ dorms.  I started introducing myself to some of the girls.  It was pretty fun actually, pretty exciting.  I saw the cool guys who were getting the girls at these parties, and I started modeling myself after them.  I took note of the way they acted, how they joked around with each other and carried their body language.  I did my best to become friends with these “alpha male” guys so that I could learn more about how they acted in their regular life.  Seriously, what separated them from me?

I still missed my ex-girlfriend, and thought about her every fucking day.  But day by day, as I focused on my new obsession of picking up women, I was able to take my mind slightly off the misery.  The ability to attract women was quickly becoming my #1 passion and obsession in life.

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In my senior year of high school, I had some weird issues.

I was a pretty good-looking guy, and I sat at the “cool kid” table, so there were some girls that were definitely interested in me.  As I’ve said before, my school was tiny with only about 60 kids in each grade.  So the social scene was well-defined.

So I was considered pretty cool by default, but for some inane reason I was deathly afraid of screwing up my reputation.  The fact was, I stayed quiet because I felt inside like I wasn’t that cool of a kid.  So by staying aloof and not talking to the kids who were in the younger grades, I probably got a reputation of being a snob or something.  Which I was fine with, so long as my status was above theirs.

However, it all felt like kind of a sham to me.  I knew I was just nervous about acting like a fool, and my ego couldn’t take rejection if I hit on some of the younger girls and they didn’t reciprocate.  Plus, I didn’t really know how to talk to girls for the most part.  So for the majority of my time in high school, I just talked to kids in my grade, and didn’t really get any play at all.

I never put myself out there.

Now, senior prom was coming up, and I didn’t have any idea who I was going to bring.  But it was important to me that I bring a hot girl.  After all, I was very concerned with my reputation.  I had to make something happen.  The year before I’d brought a cute asian chick to junior prom (who will get her own awesome post in the future, but we’ll save that for later…) and this year I had to bring an even hotter girl.

I looked around the lunch room… who could I bring?  Who in this school was the perfect target, both highly attractive and didn’t have plans for prom?  Well, most of the juniors and seniors were already spoken for, or not hot enough.  And there weren’t many cute girls in the sophomore grade at all.

That left the freshmen.  There were actually a lot of cute freshman girls, and they were obviously not spoken for.  It was very tempting.  Most of us guys would sit around and comment on all the girls most days, and the freshmen were constantly drawing our attention in one way or another.  It was pretty scandalous though, because they were like 15 and I was 18 by now.  But fuck it, I said, these girls really were way hotter than the other girls in our school.  And there was one in particular that I’d had my eye on all year but never spoken to.  So why not.

Now, I was scared shitless.  I not only was going to talk to this girl for the first time, but I was also going to ask her to prom.  That’s not only weird and awkward, it’s creepy.  But fuck it, I said.  I have to do this.

This next part might surprise you.  Actually, typing it out is very embarrassing.  You’d think a guy who’s banged over 60 women would be a little smoother than this.  Nope.  I was not always good with girls, to say the least.

That night after school, I got her AIM screen name from a friend of hers and sent her a message to start chatting with her.  I wish to god I still had this conversation saved, because it would probably be the most entertaining and awkward thing than anyone could ever read.  Epic FAIL.

Basically, I said who I was, she obviously knew of me because it’s a small school… and then I said that I needed somebody to come to prom with me and I thought she was cute so I wanted to know if she had any plans.

HAHA.  I asked a girl to prom over instant messenger.

She said she had to ask her parents if it was OK to go, but that she was interested.  So I said OK, and waited, and then she came back and said she probably could.

Amazing.  I was extremely excited.  Despite the fact that it now seems really creepy that I was 18 and she was 15, I had a pretty big crush on this girl, so I was psyched.

The next day in school, I was still too embarrassed to actually talk to her in person.  Yes, that’s right, it took me another 2 days to actually talk to her in person.  Weirder, creepier actions could not be made, my friends.  But she was still down for it.  Eventually I went and talked to her for a little bit in the hallway and I was so nervous I didn’t think I could breathe, or something, but I did.

Since we were going to prom, we decided we should get to know each other beforehand (no shit).  So we made a date for her friends and my friends to go to a coffee shop or something and just hung out.  We ended up hanging out a couple times before prom, and it was going pretty well.  I was completely smitten by her.

Then prom rolled around and we went, and I danced with her and finally kissed her that night.  It was awesome.

We continued dating after prom, and I would drive to her town all the time and pick her up and we’d go to starbucks or something and hang out, then maybe drive into some deserted street and hook up in the back seat.  I got head a couple times I think.

I made her mix tapes.

I wrote her a song on guitar using basic chords.

Yes, I was in love.  The cheesiest, gayest love in the world.

August rolled around, and I was still in love but had to go away to college.  I decided that I liked her so much it didn’t matter, we could do long-distance dating and I’d come home every other weekend or so.

TERRIBLE PLAN.  Anyone reading this in high school, dump your fucking girlfriend before you leave for college.

My first semester of college was spent mostly not making friends and instead talking to her on the phone and whining about how I missed her.  And sometimes coming home to meet up with her.

One time I came home to meet her at a high school party with a lot of her friends from our school. Everybody was drinking, and we ended up finding a condom and she seemed excited about the idea of having sex.  So we found a room, and we started hooking up, and then I put the condom on and I took her virginity.  Girl #2.

It was the worst sex ever.  She was in pain the whole time, and afterwards she started crying.  It was terrible.  It turned out that she regretted doing it, and since she was upset I also deeply regretted it now.  There was nothing I wanted more than for her to be happy, and the thought that I had made her upset was just terrible.  I had no idea how to be in a relationship.  I was a fool.

So we continued talking on the phone every day after that and hanging out.  But I was an hour away at college, and the most I could see her reasonably was about every 2 weeks.  Meanwhile, she was getting more and more bored with my constant whining about how I missed her and loved her sooo much bla bla bla.  She was like 16 by now and these girls have ADHD.  It’s ridiculous, I was retarded.

So for Valentine’s day I bought tickets to a comedy club and bought her a necklace with a heart on it, and brought her out.  And she started a fight with me about some bullshit and we didn’t talk the entire time, and then we broke up.  Fuck.

7 months of dating this girl. I felt like there was a knife in my heart.  As bad as my first breakup was with the 21 year old, this was many times worse.  I had invested so much more time and effort into this relationship.  I had decided that she was the one.  I was fucking WRECKED.  All my brilliant plans laid to waste.

I cried for fucking days.  DAYS.  This was not going to go away easily.  In fact, for years after this girl I still had awful thoughts when I pondered what happened, how I had failed.  How I’d lost my damn princess.

Just writing this right now is getting me choked up, and this was five years ago.

I was left with nothing.  I hadn’t made many friends at school, I poured all my energy and love into this girl, a girl not even close to old enough to appreciate the amount of effort I was putting in, a girl who it probably wasn’t even legal for me to be dating, and now I had lost even that.  Pathetic.  I was in a new social environment with a bunch of kids I barely knew, and now I felt completely alone and abandoned.

This is probably the worst feeling I can remember from my entire life.  It sounds stupid, considering how much awful shit happens to people, that getting broken up with when I was 18 is the worst thing that’s happened to me, but I really think it might have been.  The feeling of loneliness and not having any of my friends who I grew up with was almost too much to bear.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

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A couple months after it ended with the chick who took my virginity, I was still 17.  School year of 2003.

We were juniors in high school, and my buddy’s parents were out of town, so he threw a high school rager at his house.  Pretty much everybody from my school was there (which didn’t take much, there were only like 60 kids in our class).  Kids were running around drinking beers left and right, some had never drank before in their lives, they were challenging each other to contests and trying to prove who could drink the most… we were truly living it up.

We didn’t have many parties back then because of how lame our school was, so this was a seriously special occasion.  A lot of people were sleeping over, and there was potential for hooking up with a girl.  And not just any girl.

One of my good (girl) friends brought her HOT blonde friend along with her to the party.  At least an 8.  Holy god.  I was excited.  Was it possible that my friend could hook me up with this amazing vixen?

I’m talking somewhere around 5’7, gorgeous long blonde hair, perfect 17 year old body and some giant boobs.  And her face was awesomely cute.  Ugh.

I was getting pretty drunk off whatever cheap beer we had there, and they showed up a little late to the party so I knew I had some work to do.  I started catching the girl’s eye and talking with her friend to get her to notice me a little.  I saw her laugh at a couple things I said.  Wow, did she just glance at me when it didn’t seem like I was looking?

I had this feeling.  I had a feeling that I was about to move onto a glorious path that night.  While my other friends were content chugging beers with each other and possibly chatting with the lackluster girls we went to class with, I was making headway with the only smoking hot blonde at the party.

I was nervous.  I had this deep, deep-seated feeling that I wasn’t good enough for this girl.  Why should she like me?  All the girls in my school didn’t like me enough to hook up, she would figure it out that I wasn’t on the same level as the guys she knew from her school.  No fucking way this could go down…

But as the night went on, she paid more and more attention to what I was saying, and we ended up talking and drinking beers together.  She was following me around the house and smiling at me and laughing at my goofy jokes.  Holy shit, she liked my dumb jokes.  Was she perfect?

As the night got later, I started thinking about how I could possibly pull this off.  I went upstairs and looked around and realized that there was still a room open.  So with my fantastic drunken boldness I whisked her into that room… and the rest was history.

For one full night, I had that perfect, fucking perfect 17-year-old blonde angel laying in my arms kissing me and letting me suck on her boobies.  She didn’t let me go down her pants, but I was content with nibbling on the excellent nips.  It gives me a head rush just thinking about it now.  Man, I just shivered.

This was a bigger shot of confidence than almost anything I could have gotten at that point.  I had hooked up with other girls by then, and even lost my virginity already, but it wasn’t to a socially proofed COOL girl like this.  She was a girl that the coolest guys in local regular high schools were hitting on.  I felt like I was cheating the system that night or something, man.  She was the first girl I’d hooked up with through a school social circle that wasn’t at summer camp or something weird like that.

This made me feel legitimately cool for once.

The next day, I found out that she had a boyfriend.  That boyfriend happened to be the quarterback of the local high school football team.

I felt like a god.  I was a little scared I might get my ass kicked, but I was more fucking psyched that I was getting one over on some dude who probably got more hot chicks than he knew what to do with.

I hung out with her once or twice more a little bit after that, hooking up once, but she was always hard to get in contact with.  She wouldn’t pay much attention to me when I’d message her, and it slowly fizzled out.

I would run into this girl again, years later.  We will be revisiting her.  But for now, we’ll leave it there.

Shiver me fucking timbers, I love women.

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It was the summer of 2003, and I was 17 years old.

I went to a dork high school, and we had some really dorky clubs.  One of these clubs was called Quiz Bowl, and I joined it for some reason.  I don’t know why I joined it, because I didn’t hardly participate in anything in high school or college, but somehow I got roped into doing this.  I did like answering trivia questions, and I think I liked proving that I was smarter than other people, so that’s probably part of the reason I joined.  I’m a competitive little bastard.

But anyway, this team of ours ended up winning the state competition and going to nationals which were in Kansas City for a week over that summer.  I thought it was pretty exciting because I got to stay in a hotel, and there would be thousands of other high school kids in that same hotel competing in other academic events.  My goal for the week was to meet a girl and hook up with her in the sweet hotel rooms.

Exciting stuff!

So there was this one girl that was in a hotel room near ours and our little group ended up joining up with her little group for some of the week’s activities.  She was pretty cute, like a 7 or something.  Nothing great, but there were definitely a few of the guys competing for her attention.  So I decided that I had to get her.

We were at some kind of a water park  one evening and I jumped into conversation with some of the kids around her and kinda got her attention a little bit.  And then I made a couple jokes that went off well, and by the end of the night I could tell I had something going.  She was a little bit interested in me.

So I got her room number and invited her to hang out with us later that evening to grab some food or something.  Who knows, whatever 17 year old kids can find an excuse to do together.  She definitely seemed down for it.

It turned out that she couldn’t meet up that night because of some kind of curfew they imposed, but the next afternoon I called her room phone and invited her over to hang out that evening.  She accepted.

So later that evening she came over to my room and we watched some TV, and I’m pretty sure it was a little awkward but I decided that I was just going to make a move and that was it.  No comfort building here, I just thought it should be ON since we were on vacation for a week and in hotels and whatnot.  Every teenage girl wants to get it on under those circumstances right?

So I went for it, we started making out on my bed and BOOM I feel this tongue invading my personal space of my mouth, like reaching straight back to my tonsils.  It was gross, like slimy or something.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  What was a pretty cute girl turned into some kind of demon when she started making out.

I didn’t really know what to do.  I was psyched because she was really into it and I thought maybe I’d get a blowjob or something, but I just couldn’t turn off the feeling of grossness.

I immediately started thinking of excuses for how to get out of there.  I was no longer attracted to this girl, in fact she seemed more like a sexual predator than anything at this point.  But what could I do to get rid of her?

She started to move her head under the covers like she was going to go down “there” … and I had a moment to think about it, and I just tapped her on the shoulder and said “Hey, listen I know this is kinda bad timing but I have to head out to dinner with my team in a couple minutes so maybe we can do this a little bit later?”

And she was like all pawing at me, and I was all grossed out, and I started putting my clothes on and shooed her out.

Looking back on it, this was probably my first ever non-social circle hookup.  I mean, I guess it was sort of social circle because she was in our group and stuff, but I think it’s close enough since it was such a short time period.

Also, this is a very strange story for me to look back on now, because I definitely don’t think I’d ever turn down a BJ today no matter how bad a kisser the girl was.. so long as she was not a complete and total monster.  But then again, I wasn’t always a stone cold heartless lovemaking machine.

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This is the final post in a three-part story.  Here are the first and second articles, if you missed them.  Also, if you’re wondering why the title has a #1 in it, that’s because this is the first girl I had sex with.  I’ll follow this format in future posts.

Now everything seemed to be going along swimmingly.  I finally had a serious hookup with this chick that I’d been chasing after for a couple months by now, and fantasizing about  for most of my teenage years.  I really liked this girl a hell of a lot, and all was basically going according to plan.  But some there are some things you should know.

1. This girl still technically might have a boyfriend, but I dared not ask about him.  I just went under the assumption that if we were spending so much time together and being so passionate, that he would just sort of, um, disappear.  And that didn’t seem too preposterous, because to my knowledge, the way she had started dating this guy was by cheating with him on her prior boyfriend, another friend of ours.  So, I thought, maybe this could work out.
2. This girl turned out to be fairly interested in cocaine.  I did not like it because at that age, all I really knew about drugs like cocaine were “drugs = bad.”  Now, at this point in my life I still have never done coke, but I would probably not be quite so concerned about a 21-year-old friend experimenting with a little cocaine from time to time.  Hell, it’s their life.  But back then, this coke thing concerned me quite a bit.  I was frightened that she would get addicted, and it was a growing concern of mine.  She said that she had only done it a few times, but I had my suspicions.
3. We still were not telling anybody about this.  Not our friends, not my mom, nobody.  I told a couple of my friends at school who were unrelated though because I thought it was sweet that I was hooking up with an older girl.  And they were duly impressed.  But my mom was growing more and more suspicious of me taking the train into the city so often, and I was getting more and more frustrated with her prying.

So I’m somewhere right around my 17th birthday, and I’m now taking the train into the city every other weekend to hang out with this love of my life.  I’d go to college parties with her and drink wine and beer and Jameson and we started having regular sex.  I’m pretty certain that I lost my virginity in the back of her (and I’m guessing as to the year here) 1990 Toyota Corolla while I was hammered.  Considering that I don’t really remember the exact event, I’m pretty certain that I was.  Because that’s the kind of thing most people remember.  But I don’t regret it, because I was having fun and I liked her quite a whole lot.

We had really dirty sex.  She had a kinky mind, and so did I. We’d push each others’ boundaries, and we’d say really dirty shit to each other.  Sometimes we would have phone sex, one time I remember fingering her while she was driving down the garden state parkway, and another time I even fucked her in the ass.

Banging her in the ass was awesome.  I enjoyed the feeling of power that came along with it.  They have to trust you, because if you do it too hard or too fast, you can really hurt them.  And aside from that, it’s extremely taboo.  As you will see, this begins a trend that continues in my later sexual conquests.

So anyway, we’re doing this stuff every other weekend and sneaking around and lying to everyone and it’s going quite swimmingly, until I started to get some strange signs from her.  For one thing, she wasn’t coming online as often to chat like she used to.  And then when I’d come up to visit, she might not be around the entire time or she would leave me hanging out with our other friends who lived in her apartment while she was off doing random stuff.  And we just didn’t have quite as much to talk about as we used to.

I guess you could say that the initial phase of rapid, lustful interest was slowing down after we’d been sort of  seeing each other for a number of months and we were hitting that point where a relationship might grow a little more mundane.  Or something, I don’t really know how it works to be honest.  I don’t have hardly any experience with long-term relationships.  This is just what I’ve heard.

But essentially, I think she just got a little bit bored of me.  She was a conqueror, after all, just like me.  And when things slow down, a conqueror moves on to the next thing.  I was not wanting to move on, in fact I was perfectly content and absolutely in love.  But I could tell that her interest was waning, which broke my heart.

And then one day I came back to her place and I saw some used condoms in her trash, and… I know, I know. I’m devoting myself to pure honesty here… I started bawling.  Like a fucking post-menopausal woman, I started crying and told her that I could tell she didn’t like me like she used to and now I knew she was fucking other people and my life was essentially over.

And she held my head in her boobs and said things like “Oh, jesus” and “Look, those are condoms we used the last time you were here.  [Her boyfriend] and I don’t even use condoms.”  Which may very well have been true, I have no idea.  But either way, I was a fucking hysterical mess and the relationship was basically doomed at that point.

Then I found out that she did coke again the following week, and I got extremely upset with her.  And I decided that it was time to make things official so that she didn’t have to.  I wanted to save my last shred of dignity.

I drafted an email to her explaining my feelings, and telling her that I still loved her, but that I had to end it because I didn’t think it could work any more, and I was scared that she was with other people, and I couldn’t take that anymore.  And also that I was scared about her cocaine abuse.  I took my time with this letter, and as I was writing it I was crying.

And as I was finishing the email, my mom walked into my room while I was all red in the face, and she saw the word “love” on the screen, and she started going insane and screaming at me about how she was scared of what I was doing when I was taking the train to NYC every other week, and how she knew that I was dating this girl, and that she didn’t like it because she was so much older than me.

And finally, once I had screamed her out of my room, I was now pissed off because my mother of all people had just interrupted the drafting of my farewell letter.  I didn’t want my mom to know anything about my emotions, particularly this in my weakest of moments.  I was so fucking pissed off.

I finished the email and I sent it off.  And I was left with this horribly horrid horrible feeling that I was 17 years old and hated everything about my life.  The one girl who I focused all my positive emotions into had just been cut out, and I deeply resented my mom, and I didn’t have that many close friends at school at that point… and I hated everything.  Everything.  College was over a year away, and I didn’t know how I was going to manage living in this hellish parented and high-schooled existence for another year and a half.  I was shredded into pieces, hopeless. And I cried some more.

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This is the second post in a three-part series.  You can find the first post here.

I went back to junior year of high school after hanging out with this 20 year old every day for about a week at the end of that summer, and I was obsessed.

I wrote her emails every day and talked to her on instant messenger.  I thought about her non-stop.  I needed to see this girl.

Her birthday was in early October, and she was living in NYC.  This girl’s birthday was always a big event, and this year they decided to rent out a big house and get multiple kegs.  I had to be there!  So I begged and pleaded with my mom and she let me and my friend take the train into the city.  I had just recently started drinking that past summer, so the mere existence of drinking and parties was totally awesome and exciting for me.  Plus, I got to see her around all her city friends. I felt very mature.

The best part was that we weren’t telling anybody about our little romance.  So I saw her at her birthday and the whole time I was just thinking of ways to get her aside so I could make out with her without anybody else seeing.  I’m pretty sure I was successful once or twice that night.  It was fun but mostly uneventful.  The real events would come about three weeks later.

It was late October, and we were doing a Halloween style camp event where everybody dressed up like zombies and shit.  It was pretty cool, and the best part was that I got to sleep in a tent and see this girl.  I had high hopes for making something happen.

As it turns out, she had a bottle of jameson in her tent.  And we started drinking it straight from the bottle.  Now I didn’t have hardly any tolerance at all back then, but we just kept drinking it and I started getting RETARDED drunk.  Not like I felt sick though, luckily, just ultra drunk.  So the rest is basically history… all I remember of the rest of the night is a blur of clothes coming off and boobs and vagina.

I don’t think we had sex that night.  But I’m pretty sure we did just about everything else.

The next morning I remember having my first hangover.  It was ridiculous!  I could hardly move for, like, an hour.  We both showed up late for the morning activities and we were really sketchy about not showing up at the same time… but nobody noticed.

I was high, dude.  It was the BEST feeling.  The kind of feeling you can only feel a few times in your life with pure emotion, before it gets clouded by emotional baggage and loss of feeling.  Before you get that slight detachment, that numbness that separates you from events and makes everything feel like it’s already kind of happened, just in another shape or form.

This was real, like a roller coaster.

If you’d like to finish the story, you can read the next post here: Virginity Shredded.  Heart Also Shredded.

I was 16 years old during the summer of 2002.

There was a 20 year old girl at camp who I had never really connected with, though she was always there and was one of the more respected staff members.  She was pretty cute and extremely smart – and ridiculously flirtatious with everyone.  She had a reputation for having hooked up with most of the older guys at camp, and most of them had fallen in love with her at some point over the past few years.  In my mind, she was the hottest girl at camp by far.  Every guy, as far as I knew, wanted her attention.

She had this flirtatious way about her that was completely designed to attract a guy’s attention.  It looked almost like a game, you could watch her methodically working a room and showing glowing affection to every single person.  People lit up around her.  Men melted around her.  She was the sexiest girl I’d probably ever known.  Not the prettiest, though she was cute, but she just oozed sex and yet was able to keep it classy.

Anyway, she was definitely in a league above mine.  Maybe even two leagues above mine.  Four years older for Christ’s sake.  In fact, she wasn’t even on my radar for potential romance until one specific afternoon.

I remember hanging out in the parking one day towards the end of summer and getting into a conversation with her.  She was showing extra interest in me, asking me about my perspectives on a few different things.  I was glad to give her any information she asked for.  We ended up sitting in her car for what seemed like forever, and I just never wanted to leave.  She was so damned interesting.  We drove into town and got a pint of ice cream and ate it together.  I found any excuse to keep our conversation going.

We talked about everything.  Books, boys, girls, relationships and drugs and social dynamics and who the hell knows what else.  I loved it.  She was brilliant.  She was particularly fascinated by people’s status, and how it went up and down relative to the events and the environments they interacted with all day long.  We talked about everybody at camp, and discussed each of their statuses as they related to other people.  She told me that I had very high status, particularly for someone of my age.  Social dynamics fascinated me, and she was teaching me about subtle things that I’d never picked up on before.

She had inspired me and brought me to new levels of thinking.  I had a new frame of reference, and it was all tied to her.  I was enthralled.

She had a boyfriend who was in law school.  However, she didn’t seem particularly interested in him at that moment, as he was far out of sight and out of mind.  When people were at camp, it was like the rest of the world just disappeared.  But still, she did have one.

As we got to know each other better, I built up my courage.  I decided to walk her to her tent one night, and invited myself in.  I was very nervous about how to play this one, because she was so much older and so damn perfect.  It still seemed completely ridiculous that she might be interested in me, but I was just taking this as far as I could.  So we talked until it was late into the night and then cuddled and fell asleep.  I really wanted to try to kiss her, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I was too damn nervous about fucking it up.  I liked her so much.

The next two nights I slept in her tent.  I wanted to make a move so badly.  Finally, it was the last night of camp and I knew I had to make a move, otherwise I would lose the chance.  I didn’t want to head home without at least some confirmation that she liked me too.

So I told her how I felt.  I told her that I was absolutely in love with her, and that I had always dreamed about her.  I was obsessed.  I wanted nothing more than to kiss her.  She said she had a boyfriend, and I said I didn’t care.  I asked to kiss her again, and she said we couldn’t because she was so much older than me, how would the other staff members react?

I said that I just wanted one kiss, 10 seconds and I would never ask again.  She thought about it for a while.  “Oh, godddd” she whispered.  “Alright, but we really are stopping after that.”

Wow.  It worked.

We kissed, and it was amazing.  I tried to kiss her again afterward, and she wouldn’t let me.  Fine.  That was enough, I was happy.  I really liked this girl.

I was extremely reluctant to go home.  She lived in the city, I lived in the suburbs.  But I had no interest in moving on to another girl.  I was not done with this girl.

This is the first post in a three-part series.  You can read the next post here.

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Still summer of 2001, I’m still 15.

So after that cunt left me for the other guy, and with the wind of success at my back, I decided that there were more girls that I could shack up with at this camp.  Did I mention that 2001 was my first summer of glory?  I got some pretty good action for a 15-year-old.

I ended up hanging out with this other girl who I was mostly friends with, but she was 18 and I’d had a crush on her for like 2 or 3 years at that point.  This girl was pretty cool.  So I went into her tent with her one night and who knows what we talked about, but eventually I got around to my same old routine of telling them how I felt about them, asking if they’d like to make out, getting some resistance since they were all older than me, and then getting around it for some kind of makeout with possibility of bonus.  The bonus here was that I got to suck on this chick’s boobs.

It was great.  Two sets of boobs in like one week, and up to that point I’d never had them in my mouth before, EVER!  I felt like a new man.  She wouldn’t let me go down on her, and she wouldn’t blow me either, but I was fine with that because I was actually friends with this girl.  So the boobs and making out was good enough.  I’m pretty sure this only happened one night, not like the serial hookup I had with the girl before.  BUT as it turns out, that summer was not all she wrote for this relationship.

ROUND TWO

Two summers later, I was at camp with the same girl and everybody went out to see a drive-in showing of Pirates of the Caribbean.  Now, neither one of us had been hooking up with anybody that particular summer and it happened to be just us sitting watching the movie in her car.  Of course, our friends’ cars were on both sides of ours, very close, so it’s not like we could get away with anything.

To be honest, I didn’t even plan on ANYTHING happening.  I was there for the Pirates, dude.  For once.

But while we watched the movie, we were holding hands.  This is nothing crazy for a hippy camp like that, though, and the two of us would hold hands and hug and shit all the time.  But that night I felt her grip get just a little more firm than usual.  OK.

Then about 45 minutes into the movie, she kinda rubs my leg a little bit.  Still nothing really out of the ordinary, but I thought I MIGHT be on to something.  So I decided to try something, and I put my hand on the outside of her thigh.  Still nothing sexual, but just a little bit of pressure applied.  Then she rubbed my thigh a little more, and I decided to match by rubbing hers.

Now that we were both doing this, I fucking went for it.  I moved my hand to the inside thigh and started rubbing her pussy.  She went right for my dick.

Now the windows were open and our friends also had their windows open, so they were literally like 3 feet from us.  I rolled up the windows so they couldn’t hear anything, but they could still see through the windows. We each unzipped our pants, and there was some serious fingering / jerking each other off for the next couple minutes. We made sure to stay facing forward so our friends thought we were still watching the movie.

God, it was hot.  We were both so fucking horny.  I probably hadn’t hooked up with anybody in days, maybe weeks.

Then, it happened.

Oh, fuck.  I got so heated that I had some kind of spasm and just blew this GIGANTIC load right into my boxers and onto my own stomach.  Awkward. HAHA very awkward.  There was nothing in the car to clean up with.  She zipped up her pants, and I zipped that retarded load back into my pants and waddled over to the outdoor bathroom to clean that shiz up…

Smoooooth.

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