07 December 2009 ~ 0 Comments

#2) Prom Date Heartbreak, and Hitting Rock Bottom

#2) Prom Date Heartbreak, and Hitting Rock Bottom

In my senior year of high school, I had some weird issues.

I was a pretty good-looking guy, and I sat at the “cool kid” table, so there were some girls that were definitely interested in me.  As I’ve said before, my school was tiny with only about 60 kids in each grade.  So the social scene was well-defined.

So I was considered pretty cool by default, but for some inane reason I was deathly afraid of screwing up my reputation.  The fact was, I stayed quiet because I felt inside like I wasn’t that cool of a kid.  So by staying aloof and not talking to the kids who were in the younger grades, I probably got a reputation of being a snob or something.  Which I was fine with, so long as my status was above theirs.

However, it all felt like kind of a sham to me.  I knew I was just nervous about acting like a fool, and my ego couldn’t take rejection if I hit on some of the younger girls and they didn’t reciprocate.  Plus, I didn’t really know how to talk to girls for the most part.  So for the majority of my time in high school, I just talked to kids in my grade, and didn’t really get any play at all.

I never put myself out there.

Now, senior prom was coming up, and I didn’t have any idea who I was going to bring.  But it was important to me that I bring a hot girl.  After all, I was very concerned with my reputation.  I had to make something happen.  The year before I’d brought a cute asian chick to junior prom (who will get her own awesome post in the future, but we’ll save that for later…) and this year I had to bring an even hotter girl.

I looked around the lunch room… who could I bring?  Who in this school was the perfect target, both highly attractive and didn’t have plans for prom?  Well, most of the juniors and seniors were already spoken for, or not hot enough.  And there weren’t many cute girls in the sophomore grade at all.

That left the freshmen.  There were actually a lot of cute freshman girls, and they were obviously not spoken for.  It was very tempting.  Most of us guys would sit around and comment on all the girls most days, and the freshmen were constantly drawing our attention in one way or another.  It was pretty scandalous though, because they were like 15 and I was 18 by now.  But fuck it, I said, these girls really were way hotter than the other girls in our school.  And there was one in particular that I’d had my eye on all year but never spoken to.  So why not.

Now, I was scared shitless.  I not only was going to talk to this girl for the first time, but I was also going to ask her to prom.  That’s not only weird and awkward, it’s creepy.  But fuck it, I said.  I have to do this.

This next part might surprise you.  Actually, typing it out is very embarrassing.  You’d think a guy who’s banged over 60 women would be a little smoother than this.  Nope.  I was not always good with girls, to say the least.

That night after school, I got her AIM screen name from a friend of hers and sent her a message to start chatting with her.  I wish to god I still had this conversation saved, because it would probably be the most entertaining and awkward thing than anyone could ever read.  Epic FAIL.

Basically, I said who I was, she obviously knew of me because it’s a small school… and then I said that I needed somebody to come to prom with me and I thought she was cute so I wanted to know if she had any plans.

HAHA.  I asked a girl to prom over instant messenger.

She said she had to ask her parents if it was OK to go, but that she was interested.  So I said OK, and waited, and then she came back and said she probably could.

Amazing.  I was extremely excited.  Despite the fact that it now seems really creepy that I was 18 and she was 15, I had a pretty big crush on this girl, so I was psyched.

The next day in school, I was still too embarrassed to actually talk to her in person.  Yes, that’s right, it took me another 2 days to actually talk to her in person.  Weirder, creepier actions could not be made, my friends.  But she was still down for it.  Eventually I went and talked to her for a little bit in the hallway and I was so nervous I didn’t think I could breathe, or something, but I did.

Since we were going to prom, we decided we should get to know each other beforehand (no shit).  So we made a date for her friends and my friends to go to a coffee shop or something and just hung out.  We ended up hanging out a couple times before prom, and it was going pretty well.  I was completely smitten by her.

Then prom rolled around and we went, and I danced with her and finally kissed her that night.  It was awesome.

We continued dating after prom, and I would drive to her town all the time and pick her up and we’d go to starbucks or something and hang out, then maybe drive into some deserted street and hook up in the back seat.  I got head a couple times I think.

I made her mix tapes.

I wrote her a song on guitar using basic chords.

Yes, I was in love.  The cheesiest, gayest love in the world.

August rolled around, and I was still in love but had to go away to college.  I decided that I liked her so much it didn’t matter, we could do long-distance dating and I’d come home every other weekend or so.

TERRIBLE PLAN.  Anyone reading this in high school, dump your fucking girlfriend before you leave for college.

My first semester of college was spent mostly not making friends and instead talking to her on the phone and whining about how I missed her.  And sometimes coming home to meet up with her.

One time I came home to meet her at a high school party with a lot of her friends from our school. Everybody was drinking, and we ended up finding a condom and she seemed excited about the idea of having sex.  So we found a room, and we started hooking up, and then I put the condom on and I took her virginity.  Girl #2.

It was the worst sex ever.  She was in pain the whole time, and afterwards she started crying.  It was terrible.  It turned out that she regretted doing it, and since she was upset I also deeply regretted it now.  There was nothing I wanted more than for her to be happy, and the thought that I had made her upset was just terrible.  I had no idea how to be in a relationship.  I was a fool.

So we continued talking on the phone every day after that and hanging out.  But I was an hour away at college, and the most I could see her reasonably was about every 2 weeks.  Meanwhile, she was getting more and more bored with my constant whining about how I missed her and loved her sooo much bla bla bla.  She was like 16 by now and these girls have ADHD.  It’s ridiculous, I was retarded.

So for Valentine’s day I bought tickets to a comedy club and bought her a necklace with a heart on it, and brought her out.  And she started a fight with me about some bullshit and we didn’t talk the entire time, and then we broke up.  Fuck.

7 months of dating this girl. I felt like there was a knife in my heart.  As bad as my first breakup was with the 21 year old, this was many times worse.  I had invested so much more time and effort into this relationship.  I had decided that she was the one.  I was fucking WRECKED.  All my brilliant plans laid to waste.

I cried for fucking days.  DAYS.  This was not going to go away easily.  In fact, for years after this girl I still had awful thoughts when I pondered what happened, how I had failed.  How I’d lost my damn princess.

Just writing this right now is getting me choked up, and this was five years ago.

I was left with nothing.  I hadn’t made many friends at school, I poured all my energy and love into this girl, a girl not even close to old enough to appreciate the amount of effort I was putting in, a girl who it probably wasn’t even legal for me to be dating, and now I had lost even that.  Pathetic.  I was in a new social environment with a bunch of kids I barely knew, and now I felt completely alone and abandoned.

This is probably the worst feeling I can remember from my entire life.  It sounds stupid, considering how much awful shit happens to people, that getting broken up with when I was 18 is the worst thing that’s happened to me, but I really think it might have been.  The feeling of loneliness and not having any of my friends who I grew up with was almost too much to bear.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

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