12 July 2010 ~ 7 Comments

Proof that Women are Insane

Proof that Women are Insane

Some interesting things happened the summer after my sophomore year of college, but nothing all THAT interesting.  So I’m going to skip right along in my merry fashion to…

Junior Year of College.

Oh boy.  This, friends, is the year that I truly began to come into my own as a fucking nutcase womanizer who bangs everything that crosses his path.  If you weren’t aware, that’s what I am now.  But I wasn’t before that year.

The reason junior year was so awesome is because I finally moved off-campus, and into a big house just a block off the major bar strip with 4 other guys who were all just about as interested as I was in plowing as many women as we could possibly get our dicks into.

I realize this might not sound that different from any other guy in his junior year of college, but all I can say is that we got really damn good at it, and had a hell of a lot of hilarious stories.  We went out about six nights a week for the next two years, and accumulated a lot of stories.  I’m going to write some of these down.

Alright, enough talk.  I’m supposed to let you know why all women are insane…

So there I was, the beginning of junior year of college.  On this particular night, we were going to a frat party where most of my new housemates were brothers.  These parties were generally pretty awesome, because we all knew everybody there and so we could basically push people around and get as much free beer as we wanted, while other people waited in line.  This made it particularly easy to game women as well, which was always the goal.

So I’m standing by the bar getting a drink, and who do I see next to me but a girl I used to crush on a little bit in high school!  All I really remembered about her was that we had danced together at one or two school dances.  She didn’t actually go to my high school, she was just good friends with another girl in my class, and I had run into her a couple times.

There was never any real romance though we had a few cute little dances together and it probably could have turned into something if I had any game back then.

So, I figured, perfect.  I now have a real dick that I really use, and I’m in my element at this frat party.  Perfect.  We start talking, and I can tell she is really into me.  She’s sticking by my side everywhere I go and staring me in the eyes and all that stuff, basically forgetting entirely about the friends she came with.

Awesome.  I start trying to seed the pull by talking about how awesome my new house is, and how it’s only like 4 blocks away from the party we were at.  I promise more beer and possibly stopping for pizza along the way.  She’s down.

We’ve walked about 2 blocks at this point, and we’re just passing a pizza place when she runs into a friend who’s walking their dog.  She stops to talk with this friend for a minute – I should have kept her with me and dragged her away, but I was not yet so good at logistics – and then a minute stretches into like 4 or 5 minutes, and at this point I go grab her and I’m like

“Hey, what’s up? You still down for pizza?”

And she looks at me with this blank face.  I swear it was one of the weirdest things, this girl who was totally amped to be hanging out with me was all of a sudden really forlorn and seemed pretty out of it.  I wondered if the guy had said anything important to her.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Ok, let’s go get some pizza then. Woo.”

“Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know? What’s up, did that guy say something to you?”

“No, it has nothing to do with him.  I just think maybe I should go home.”

“What? Why? What’s the deal…”

“Listen, Matthew, I just can’t do this with you.”

“What do you mean?  Do what?  I just wanna get some pizza.”

“I know, this is stupid.  I should just go home, seriously, trust me.”

“Whaaat are you talking about?  Dude, just be straight up with me what the hell happened in the last 5 minutes, you were all down to get pizza and chill and now you’re all wacked out…”

“Fine, you really want to know?  You really want to?”

“YES”

“Matthew, in high school I was COMPLETELY OBSESSED with you.  I was in love with you, and you didn’t even give a shit about me!  You broke my heart!  And now you just want to fuck me, and I thought I wanted that too but I know you’re just going to forget about me again and it’s going to hurt EVEN WORSE than the first time!  Which is why I just need to go home NOW, I’m sorry but I just can’t go through with this!”

I was stunned.  Talk about a fucking curveball.  I literally could not speak.  I was mainly bouncing between a few ideas at once:

  • HOLY FUCK THIS CHICK IS INSANE
  • HOLY FUCK
  • WHOA
  • THIS BITCH MIGHT KILL ME
  • I AM PROBABLY IN PHYSICAL DANGER
  • SHOULD I STILL TRY TO BONE THIS CHICK
  • THERE WILL BE SERIOUS REPERCUSSIONS IF I BONE THIS CHICK
  • HOW CAN I FUCK THIS CHICK
  • TO BONE HER, I HAVE TO CONVINCE HER THAT I DO GIVE A FUCK
  • THAT’S GONNA TAKE EVERY OUNCE OF LYING MY BODY CAN MUSTER
  • LETS GET THIS GIRL SOME PIZZA

At this point, the girl has tears streaming down her face and I’m still pretty much totally silent.  It’s been an epic amount of time that I’ve been planning a response, due to all these thoughts combined with the fact that I was druuuuunnkkkk off my ass.

“Baby, I am so confused right now.  I’ll be honest, I don’t think I took things as seriously back then but I guess I was kind of retarded in high school.. it’s basically due to the fact that I had no idea when girls were interested in me.  It’s my fault.  It’s not that I was an asshole, I was just really oblivious.  And now that I’ve met you again, I think you seem like a really awesome girl and I feel like we should just take it slow and maybe get some pizza and get to know each other a little better.  I’m definitely not trying to sleep with you, that’s crazy.  Let’s just chill and you can get calmed down.  I owe you a slice of pizza.  Is that ok?  Just walk with me.”

(Sniffle) “Ok. You promise you won’t try to have sex with me?”

“OF COURSE.”

So we grab some pizza.  Let me tell you, longest most agonizing trip to the pizza place of my life.  I should have absolutely let her leave when she wanted to, gone back to the frat party to try and pick up some stragglers, and left it at that.

But instead, I sat with her intermittently crying and asking me if I was serious about those things I said before, and then casting doubt on me and just saying that I wanted to fuck her.  There were many silent moments.  I was rapidly losing interest in having sex with her, and the more time that passed the more I realized how lucky I would be to just get out of this night alive and never see this batshit crazy girl again.

So, we left the pizza place and I told her that I was getting tired and it would probably be better if she just headed home, and then maybe we could hang out again later when she wasn’t so upset.

A Narrow Escape.

If I had found a way to bang that chick, I guarantee that would be the last free night of my life, as she would definitely incapacitate me with chloraform and chain me up in her basement.

I saw her a few other times that year, since she was actually friends with our next-door neighbors, who would throw boring parties every so often. But we never really said more than a tense “Hey” to each other after that night.

I just had a scary thought that she might be standing behind me as I wrote this, but a quick scan of the room confirmed that I’m safe… for now.

Girls are fucking insane, gentlemen.  Don’t you ever question that fact.

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7 Responses to “Proof that Women are Insane”

  1. zaranda 27 October 2010 at 12:00 am Permalink

    dude ur a dick.

  2. admin 25 September 2011 at 5:09 pm Permalink

    Yes I am, that’s obvious…

  3. wow 10 November 2011 at 5:54 am Permalink

    No wonder why gentlemen always have a hard time. I’m surprised you didn’t roofie the poor girl. I think Sublime’s song Date Rape comes to mind when I meet guys like you. Perhaps one day you’ll stop trying to fill that gaping empty hole with more emptiness. But what do I know? I still hope romantic women exist.

  4. buckfuddy 27 November 2011 at 5:27 pm Permalink

    this is an awful lot of space devoted to trolling for flames
    are you sure you’re not the insane one?
    because it’s pretty obvious…
    you are.

  5. justsomeguy69 31 January 2012 at 12:28 pm Permalink

    LOL – leave it to a woman to leave a single sentence hate comment.

  6. michelle 5 May 2012 at 8:19 pm Permalink

    I just had to chime in. You think that’s insane? That’s nothing. I’ve seen some crazy ass girls do much worse. This girl was actually a smart chick. She saw right through you and that’s why she was so upset. She liked you.

  7. just a girl 21 December 2012 at 3:34 pm Permalink

    women are insane. i have grown up around women, loads of em and each and every single one of them is insane. they expect you to just know. im a girl so 95% percent of the time i can “just know”. and they Still drive me up the wall. all i am is glad i never have to marry one.


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